


we lost what we never had

by crescendonya



Category: fire emblem fates
Genre: F/F, oc backstory thingy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-06-06
Packaged: 2018-07-11 00:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7016803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crescendonya/pseuds/crescendonya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I don’t wanna go, mama” was all she could say.</p><p>“...I know, Mari” was all she replied.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. you were a home i wanted to grow up in

To be honest, I know a lot of things I should not know. 

I know many things that mankind should not be aware of, come to think of it. The secrets of the universe, how time began, and so on and so forth. But learning about these things was not my choice. No- if I had a choice, I would definitely have loved to go without this knowledge.

Some things are better left unsaid.

...

I’ll get back to that soon.

* * *

On a chilly January day, Marquis was born to Hana, a gifted diviner, and an unknown father. She woke first to a blinding light, the light of life, and then the soft beauty of the island of Kaui. The world welcomed her with open arms, and she embraced it like it was an old friend. 

She grew up alongside the bay, breathing in the morning sun and twilight air that reflected off the water. The little kitsune had an odd connection with the sea- it beckoned to her and entranced her like no toys ever could. 

“What lives in the water, mama?” she asked one day.

“Oh,” Hana chuckled, “many, many things, like turtles and dolphins and little itty bitty fishies.” 

Marquis’ tiny eyes widened in surprise. “Really? How big is it, mama?”

“Bigger than you can imagine, dear. Some say that it never ends.”

“I don’t believe that, mama.” She looked at her mother with eyes the size of the moon. “Everything has to have an end.”

Hana was silent. 

Marquis was a very, very intelligent little girl. Perhaps too smart for her own good.

From a young age, she also showed signs of a different, unexpected talent- divinity. Sometimes the child’s eyes would fog over and she spoke in a vocabulary worlds beyond her own, with wisdom that a three-year-old should never have. Kids pretended all the time. It was to be expected. But Hana knew that her child wasn’t pretending. 

Someone, something, was speaking through the little kitsune- quite literally. It terrified her mother, but it was...an interesting development, to say the least. Hana made it a point to research her daughter’s strange phenomenon, but she never got the chance.

On the eve of Marquis’ fifth birthday, two men arrived at the kitsunes’ island home. Marquis was playing in the sand outside. Fixing the strangers with a warm smile, Hana offered them a seat and asked what she could do for them.

“Miss… Hana, is it?” one questioned. His gaze was far away, and his deep violet irises seemed like the light behind them had gone out long ago. 

“Mhm, that would be me.” Hana nodded. “Is there anything I can do for you gentlemen?”

“We know of your daughter, miss.” the other said in a cold voice. He had an aura of authority, but his tired eyes seemed to suggest otherwise. Hana wondered what they had been through to earn bags under their eyes.

“My little Mari?” she asked, sipping her tea. “Ah, she’s quite the troublemaker, isn’t she? She’s been the talk of the town since she could talk.” She cast a glance out the window. Marquis had grown tired of the sand and was chasing two little girls through the shallow water. “Are you two new around here? I feel like I should have seen you before if you live here… it’s not a very big island.”

Neither of the men chuckled. They ignored her question. 

“We know what she can do.” the first one stated flatly.

Fear raked its claws down Hana’s spine. Suddenly, her tea was not so appealing. She set it down gently. “...Hm? W-what do you mean, gentlemen? Surely you’re mistaken.”

“She’s special, your daughter.” the second man said in a monotone voice. “She has a gift, but it is a double-edged sword. She could be in grave danger if she misused her powers.”

Hana’s breath caught in her throat. Surely they jested. S-she was just an ordinary little girl. There was nothing abnormal about her precious child.

...Right?

“We can teach her to utilize her gift as it was intended to.” they said in near unison. Their blank eyes seemed to swallow the room. “We can help her. We can help you.”

Icy shivers went up and down her back. 

“...W-who are you gentlemen…?”

“...”

“...”

“...Miss Hana, are you aware of a kingdom called Valla?”

* * *

And, the day after her birthday, Marquis packed her toys into a cloth bag. Her mother tied her hair into braids, knowing this may be the last time she ever would. A wooden, Hoshidan-style boat, a humid morning, and a long goodbye.

Marquis wrapped her little arms around Hana with all the strength she could muster. Her claws dug into her mother’s dress and made hairline cuts in the silky fabric. 

“I don’t wanna go, mama” was all she could say.

“...I know, Mari” was all she replied.

She smelled like warm cookies and sand and coconut shampoo and sunlight, a lovely mess of everything she held dear. The red ribbon holding her braids together sagged. They would probably need to be re-tied soon. Unfortunately, Hana didn’t think she’d be there to help her.

“...please don’t go.” she whispered softly. Marquis didn’t hear.

The men whispered to one another and called the little kitsune into the boat, onto a little red cushion decorated with a pink flower. Stumbling in like a newborn kitten, the girl looked out of place between the two tired soldiers. 

As soon as her only child was beyond the horizon, Hana cried until she had no tears left.

* * *

I got sent to Valla when I was just a little girl. I think I was four or five. I don’t entirely know why, now that I think about it. I think my mom wanted to get rid of me.

Well, she got what she wanted, I suppose.

It wasn’t a bad place by any means. The people there were kind and friendly, and they all loved to sing and dance and fire stars into the sky. The men who escorted me turned out to be nice, even though neither of them really talked too much. Everyone seemed to be at peace with themselves, which you don’t find too often.

I think something was missing there, though. Whether it was love, or emotion, I feel like I will never know. Valla was empty.

A lovely maid named Hakai took care of me, and raised me in my mother’s absence. She was from Hoshido too, and moved to Valla when her father got a job opportunity here with the royalty. She taught me how to read and write, but also how to dream and see the beauty in spiderwebs and the terrible power of a thought. She was a very artistic person, and I think that rubbed off on me in a way. I think she covered up the fact that she was lonely by doing the things she did. Maybe I was the only thing that stopped her from ending herself. 

When I was twelve, newly graduated from Hakai’s School of Innovative Learning, she decided that it was time that someone talked to me about my abilities. You know, _the reason why I was there in the first place._ I assumed she meant a diviner of some sort, or a medium. I did not expect her to take me to a shrine.

* * *

It was awful and inspiring at the same time. 

Pressure built in Marquis’ head, as if there was a supernatural force at work here that was not here before. 

“What is this place?” she asked, rubbing her temples feverishly.

“This is a monument to the Silent Dragon, Anankos,” Hakai said, “the patron of Valla.”

They were silent for a moment. The sheer power ebbing from the statue rumbled in the air. 

“...And?” Marquis questioned her teacher’s sanity. “What exactly am I supposed to learn from a hunk of rock?”

Hakai chuckled. “Well, try talking to it.” she said. 

“...You want me to talk to the statue.”

“...Yes.”

Marquis groaned. “What is this supposed to accomplish, exactly?”

Her guardian cleared her throat impatiently. She pretended to be occupied with the scroll paintings dotting the walls in the nearby shrine building. 

“Uuugh, fine.” she finally said. “Whatever.”

She folded her legs underneath her and arranged her skirt. Taking one last look at the imposing statue and sighing, Marquis raised her hands and bowed her head. Her mind cleared like a summer’s day and she floated in equilibrium, sending halfhearted prayers to the Silent Dragon as if he could hear them.

 **“Welcome, child.”** a voice echoed in her mind like thunder. **“I understand you have questions for me.”**


	2. someone who will talk about anything

I feel as though Anankos taught me more than my mother ever could have.

I began to visit him every other day, much to Hakai’s chagrin. Her primary assignment was to be my caregiver, but she had a life of her own as well. Until she was sure I wouldn’t run off (and why would I?) she made it a point to stay at the shrine until I had completed my work- often, taking up most of her morning. To this day I haven’t the slightest clue what she did while I was in conversation with the Silent Dragon. I was in too deep of a haze to really notice much.

Anyway, as one could surmise, Anankos’ words had a profound impact from the first day he made contact with me. He would later explain that I had not summoned him, nor did I have the ability to. In fact, I had simply made myself more open to influence from spirits and such. I had the unique power to open myself to the heavens and listen to what its inhabitants had to say, to an extent. 

Explaining it is a lot easier than actually feeling it, though. 

It feels like having another voice in your head. Sometimes, the voice is subtle and quiet, like a passing breeze or a soft warmth in winter. Benign personalities don’t seem to be the majority, but sometimes I get lucky enough to meet one.

Anankos is not a good example of what I would consider a quiet personality. 

Every time he spoke I was certain my head would explode. The sheer power and force that ebbed from his existence was astounding. I’d often leave his shrine with headaches the size of a small country (Hakai never believed me, though) simply because of how loud he was. I never got used to hearing his deep bass echoing through my (normally) empty head. 

The first “assignment” he had for me was a change in my wardrobe. 

“...What do you mean?” I asked. 

**“Need I explain any further, child?”** Anankos thundered. **“You should be honored that I, personally, am taking you under my wing. I require that you update your outfit for this purpose.”**

Up until now, I had worn whatever Hakai had sitting around in her closet. I didn’t have any funds to buy different clothes, and honestly, I had no need to. I was indifferent to what I wore- a simple pink sari with floral print. 

“What, then, do you propose I wear?” I had gotten to the point where I was way too tired to bother with politeness. Harboring a second being in my head hurt. 

**“Bah! You have not yet earned the right to talk to me with such relaxed language.”** he sneered. Ugh. **“Under my tutelage, you shall be my shrine maiden. I demand you look like a proper one.”**

“What?!”

_**“Did I stutter, impudent child?!”** _

Normally I would have said something that would make my nun cry. Or my mother. But I had a short fuse when I was younger, and Anankos didn’t know when to stop lighting matches.

“...How exactly am I going to explain to Hakai that I need a brand new outfit on short notice? How am I gonna tell her that it’s a Shrine Maiden outfit?” I questioned in the politest tone I could muster.

For future reference, I did _not_ like Shrine Maiden clothing. At all. Or maybe you already knew that. 

**“I will explain it in a manner that your insignificant brain can comprehend.”** Anankos sighed deeply. **“You possess a unique ability unseen before in known history. To ensure that you do not misuse this power, I, personally, have taken it upon myself to be your guide in the spirit realm. I did not have to do this, child. In fact, I have many more important things to occupy myself with. Be honored and humbled, petty mortal.**

**“As such, I believe you are in my debt. Tell your caretaker whatever will convince her to buy you clothing. I do not care. This does not concern me. I expect you to obey my instructions before you come again.”**

And he was gone.

* * *

“...Come again, Mari?” Hakai asked slowly.

Marquis sighed. They were on their way home from the shrine, wading through crowded marketplaces and last-minute shoppers. “I need to get a Shrine Maiden outfit before Thursday or else Anankos is going to have a fit,” she moaned. “I don’t want one any more than you do.”

Her caretaker rubbed her temples. “And you truly believe that you’re talking to this dragon-god-guy, correct?” she questioned. 

“Why would I lie about that?!” Marquis snapped. 

“I’m not saying you are. I’m just...covering my bases, if you will.” Hakai didn’t sound upset or unbelieving- just tired. “You have to understand that this whole thing sounds… a little odd.”

The little kitsune stiffened. She crossed her arms as they threaded through a horde of tourists dressed in Hoshidan garb. “Yeah, I guess…” she muttered. “But it’s all true, I swear! I know Anankos now, whether I want to or not. He’s kinda mean, and he always calls me a little kid.”

“Because you _are_ one.”

_“Hey!” ___

Shielding her eyes from the harsh midday sun, Hakai finally gave in. “I suppose you can get Shrine Maiden couture, if the god of Valla wanted it so badly.” She checked her coin purse. “But can you buy it by yourself? I have to get ready for my... date.”

“Is it a date with… _Miss Anuva?_ ” Marquis sneered.

Now she shielded her blush from Marquis with her sleeve. “S-shut up, okay?” she stuttered. Tossing a handful of coins at her, Hakai marched off in the opposite direction, towards the residential side of the city. “Be back before sundown!”

“No promises!” As her guardian faded into the crowd, the young kitsune bolted for the nearest candy store.

* * *

It’s safe to say that I was not the most responsible child. 

As soon as I felt the coldness of the gold in my palm, I knew that this money, sanctioned for an outfit to appease Anankos, would most certainly not go towards said outfit. Hakai seldom let me have sweets (because I never brushed my teeth), so this was like pulling off some grand heist behind her back.

I had the premonition that I had made a mistake as soon as I entered Mithae Emporium. I expected to smell chocolate, mint, maybe even some caramel if I was lucky. A child’s dream. Everything I had hoped for, however, was gone.

Salmon candy lined the shelves.

I. _Hate._ Salmon.

A worker noticed my scowl and remarked that the midday crowd had bought out nearly everything in the store- except for the salmon, which, for some reason, people seemed to be avoiding like the plague. She said I could come tomorrow, when they made fresh batches of all their delectables, but the damage was done. Hakai definitely wouldn’t let me out of her sight tomorrow. It was laundry day. 

Discouraged, I left the sad-looking candy store without another word. The weight of the coins was heavier in my heart than in my hand. I kinda had to use them for their intended purpose now. 

The nearest boutique was a hop away, if you had a pegasus or wyvern. Having neither of these, I took the long way around. Hakai was too busy flirting with her “not girlfriend,” so I knew I had time to spare. 

I liked to listen in on random conversations when I was little. Not really because they taught me vocabulary and useful knowledge, but because I liked sticking my nose in the business of others. I did this to pass the time as I traveled. 

“The price of gemstones in Nohr is ridiculous. Doesn’t anyone know that they can just hop over to Hoshido and buy the same things for half the price?” someone groaned.

“Nohrians are very, very prideful, y’know,” another remarked, “they just can’t understand that their environment just isn’t exactly… suited for much of anything. They’d sooner die than ask Hoshido for help.”

“We took a vacation to a kitsune hamlet once,” a shrill voice exclaimed, “it was wonderful! It’s a shame that they closed their doors to visitors.”

“ _Anthony!_ Mind your manners!” Someone reprimanded their kid with a sharp, precise tongue.

“Do you think we’ll have school tomorrow?”

“Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping?”

“I miss my sister… She says she likes it better in Hoshido, but I don’t believe her.”

“The weather is gorgeous today… Anankos smiles upon us.”

I stopped. That was the first time I heard someone mention Anankos on my stroll. No… I hadn’t heard of him at all before Hakai told me. 

And why...why did nobody talk about him? He seemed pretty important to me, being the god of Valla and all. It made sense that people would converse about the economy and vacations and all, but… you’d assume some people had enough respect for him to mention the dragon in conversation once in awhile. He was definitely an ass, but I thought he at least deserved some recognition.

I pondered this as I wandered. The sun above me glared.

* * *

The day ended and I was in possession of a second-hand Shrine Maiden uniform, a mix of dull crimsons and off-whites with a long teal ribbon holding the cloth together. It would have to do. The good thing about getting a used one was that I didn’t have to suck in my stomach every time I put it on- someone before me had done that work so I didn’t have to. 

Shutting the door gently, the warm feeling of humanity washed over me like a typhoon. Hakai and Anuva, a paladin to the monarchy, stared into one another as they held their heads with their hands. Their faces were flushed and eyes half-lidded. They had probably been drinking.

“I’m home,” I said quietly, tiptoeing up the stairs. 

“Okay,” Hakai said slowly. She smiled warmly. I didn’t see it. I could feel it. I heard Anuva giggle. 

I made a face. Love seemed so pointless.

* * *

As I sat on the edge of my bed, observing the moon, I thought about Anankos. I wondered if he was lonely, being a god and all. Maybe I was the first person he had talked to in ages. Maybe this was his first time actually having an apprentice. That would be really cool.

I cleared my mind and opened it to a realm beyond my own. I didn’t know if I could reach the Silent Dragon from here, but I didn’t really care. Everything around me became a soft haze, gently blurred until it disappeared completely. I was alone with my thoughts and a vast space.

 _“Are you there?”_ I asked. 

Silence answered me. No surprise. I lowered myself into my sheets and pulled the covers over my head. 

Could a god truly be lonely?


	3. you don't feel like winter to me

**“Acceptable.”**

Marquis groaned. “Is that really all you have to say? I went through a lot of trouble to get this thing!” she whined.

**“Your issues are petty compared to mine.”** Anankos groaned. He sounded bored-- an emotion Marquis had never heard from him before. **“Now we may continue in your tutelage.”**

Anankos asked Marquis (it was less of a question and more of an order) to place her hands together in prayer and open herself to a great power. She felt the edges of her eyesight blur and white noise slowly trickled into her ears. The wooden floor faded to darkness. 

She saw Anankos, or what she assumed was Anankos. He was a hooded man, with long strands of hair running down his cloak like rain. He easily stood at least three feet above Marquis. She couldn’t see his face. 

**“Come.”** he thundered, beckoning Marquis. She obliged. 

They walked out of the darkness and into a familiar space. Worn wood made up the floor and torn paintings dotted the thin walls behind them. Marquis saw a small girl hunched over in intense concentration before a massive, imposing dragon statue. 

“This is…” she whispered. Her voice sounded like a battering ram in the silence. 

**“...An out-of-body experience, mortal.”** Anankos finished. **“You’ll grow used to them.”** He continued on his steady pace, despite Marquis stopping. She felt out of place in her skin-- or, more correctly, not in her skin. She hurried to catch up with his long strides.

They disappeared through the threshold of the shrine. Hakai continued pondering a shredded ink painting. 

**“You are going to ask me a question,”** Anankos said. It was less of a question than a statement.

Marquis blanched. The thought had crossed her mind, but she had decided against asking. Her mind continued replaying the events of two nights ago, when she had first bought the Shrine Maiden garb. Her common sense told her to keep it to herself.

**“Ask me. Now.”**

“H-How did you know?” Marquis stuttered. She had known Anankos was capable of awful things. But this was different. “How did you know I was going to ask you something?”

**“I saw it.”**

“How?”

Anankos sighed deeply and slowed to a halt. They had already arrived at a small temple, similar to the one they had just departed. Time had not been as friendly to this one.

**“...You have not been told much about me,”** he murmured, **“have you, child?”**

Marquis said nothing. She didn’t know what she could. 

He strolled to the door of the domed temple, ignoring the condition of the path they walked on. Weeds as tall as his waist leaned forward to greet them, and the once-gorgeous stones were dull and cracked. The door was locked. He touched it gently.

Anankos led the way inside. It did not look any better on the inside, Marquis thought. Huge banisters and stone columns screamed as the door shut. Even though she couldn’t see in the darkness, Marquis could smell the rotting wood. 

He snapped and a finger-sized flame erupted from his palm, bathing the pathetic temple in an orange glow. There were little flecks of paint dotting the walls, but otherwise there was nothing more of note to see. Anankos took slow steps towards the far wall, walking quietly as if he would disturb the room.

**“I am not the only dragon to roam the spirit realms,”** Anankos said softly. **“I am of the First Dragons. Alongside me exist the Dawn Dragon, benevolent figure to Hoshido, and the Dusk Dragon of Nohr.”**

Marquis looked down at her slippers. What was her mother doing now, in Hoshido?

**“Long ago, a great war broke out among the twelve dragons of old. The goal was simple-- kill first, rationalize second. We aimed to control the world. But our egos were too strong to allow more than one ruler.” He ran his hand down one of the marble columns. A thick layer of dust held to his palm. “We were selfish and shortsighted. But we were too proud to stop our meaningless fighting.**

**“Our tricks were as dirty as our souls. To try gaining an upper hand in our strife, we commanded humanity to fight for us. To fight our war. In exchange for unparalleled power from ourselves, many gave their lives in a fight they could never have won. No, ‘gave’ is the wrong word.” He traced the carvings of the column with a long, spindly finger. “They ‘lost’ their lives. To give would mean that they knew what they were getting into. But that is the exact opposite.**

**“I gave portions of my power to the people of Valla. Noble, courageous warriors with hearts of gold and spears of silver. I had one wish of them in exchange-- to worship me as I truly was for the rest of their mortal lives.”**

Marquis followed him cautiously, like a lost kitten. Anankos drove his fingernail into the brittle marble. Once upon a time it wouldn’t have cracked under a sword. But those days had long passed. 

**“They did as I asked. I had temples. I had shrines. They dotted the land like flowers. Sometimes they would be within walking distance of one another.”** He paused, as if remembering long lost memories. **“There were so many visitors that the Shrine Maidens couldn’t keep up with the flow. People worshipped me. People _loved me._ ”**

He dug his hand through the hole he had created. The entire building cried out in pain. 

Silence constricted Marquis’ lungs, but she had no idea what to say. She couldn’t see his face, but she knew what she would find; the features of a fallen god.

**“What happened after that, you may think? I have the wisdom of centuries and I could not tell you.”** Anankos clenched his teeth. It sounded like nails on steel. 

Marquis clutched her head and moaned.

**“Aww, was that too loud for the itty-bitty foxy?”** Anankos purred viciously, his words serrated with poison. **“Does that hurt? Hm…?”**

She didn’t have the strength to respond. Slowly descending to her knees, all Marquis could do was nod. The tired wood creaked beneath her. 

**“Oh… My apologies. Let me… _ease your pain!_ ”**

With a loud roar that came from the heavens, Anankos ripped the pillar out of its place and flung it towards Marquis. The force of a god hit her like a bull, and she and the marble column slammed into the far wall in an instant. Like a ragdoll, she collapsed in a pile of limbs with a dull shriek. Blood stained her new uniform, and slowly, tears began to stain the cloak of Anankos.

She screamed and shouted for help, but he could not hear her. 

**“They have forgotten about me,”** he finally said, **“and I… I have forgotten about them.”**

Marquis lifted her heavy head in time to see the Silent Dragon lower himself and lay his head in his hands. They were covered in the golden ichor of the gods like water would cover a garden. He stood completely still for a moment, then let out a quiet scream. 

Blood continued to ooze from the exposed wound on Marquis’ ribcage. She didn’t move. 

In silence, the student and the teacher sat in the deserted temple and thought. 

\---

**“...What were you going to ask me, child?”**

“...W-what?”

**“Shortly after we departed. You were going to ask something. I pray that you stop wasting my time and ask it now.”**

“Oh… yeah.”

**“Well?”**

“A-anankos… Do you e-ever feel lonely?”

**“...”**

**Author's Note:**

> *screaming and banging on pots* welcome to hell! welcome to hell! welcome to


End file.
